The awesomeness of the Twilight world

On one fateful day, I walked into a DVD store, shelled out 60 bucks and rented the New Moon DVD. It must have been predestined. In the words of another great philosopher, Paulo Coelho, “It’s Maktub” or destiny. I though I had to check it out. Let’s see what all the fuss is about. Since I am a starry-eyed girl with weaknesses for passion, romance and washboard abs, it was time to experience the next great phenomenon after Justin Bieber and Hannah Montana, which is the Twilight saga.

I must indulge in a little preamble here. Last year, I had rented Twilight. Yes, one of those moments when that impish little red devil sits firmly on my head and dictates my thought. I wish it would make me do some cooler things. Like win the foosball round against some buggers. Or acquire a sponsor for booze session. Or magically credit some few grand to me account. But, heck! So, I started watching Twilight. I watched it for about 45 mins. Then switched it off, having decided that I am not a person worthy of such epic awesomeness. A girl who continues to shiver and give a deadpan expression for some unknown reason for one-fourth of the film and the oh-so-handsome hero who jumps from one tree to another were too complex happenings for a simpleton like me to grasp. Over the next few months, I have come across people with amorous pictures of Pattinson and Stewart stuck to their soft boards, going gaga over how ‘super cool’ the book is. Apparently, it beats even Mills and Boons paperbacks when it comes to display the conflict of love, passion and all such raging feelings us laymen are devoid of. Remember the titles? The Greek Millionaire’s Sensuous Mistress, to quote for one. The hero and heroine would engage in naughty sexcapades, drift away from each other and finally, through an epiphany, realize their undying love for each other, if not other people.

But Twilight and its siblings owns Mills & Boon’s ass big time. For the first time ever, it introduced a vampire who is as pretty as a daffodil. Yes. Robert Pattinson. Droopy eyes, alabaster complexion that sparkles in the sun, cherry red lips, women are swooning and drooling and licking their drool. And, Kristen Stewart? Move over, Katrina Kaif. Kristen has the love of a vampire. What have you, Miss Kaif? Just the steroid-boosted body and cranky temperament of an actor in his mid 40s.

So, I sat through the two hours of New Moon and tried to grapple with the complexities of inter-species love. Inter-caste love? Bah! Old news. Inter-racial marriage? Pfft. Way to illogical. The triangular love story of a werewolf who loves perennially sad chick who loves vampire that sparkles in the sun! Whoa! It crosses boundaries, reaches deep within the recesses of your heart and stirs emotions that have been lying dormant for eons.

Things that specially struck me as moments of cinematic genius, histrionic gems and plot twists that would put The Joker to shame. Cries of anguish or pure horniness at night when vampire lover deserts sad chick. Not at all cringe worthy. If you can sit through that, you can sit through Mayawati and Lalit Modi hosting a combo chat show on TV together. Abs/Man boobs of Taylor Lautner and his gang. That’s one clever thinking to cash in on the female fantasy. Only if Mr. Lautner’s face didn’t resemble a shriveled apple so badly. And there’s a pack of guys who turn into werewolves when they are hungry or angry. Never anywhere before will you get to see such skin-fest. It’s like McDonald’s Value Meal offer. All super awesome things coming together in one great package. The film also succeeds in making you crave for some actual mind-blowing action scenes, given the fact that it takes into account so many kinds of species out there. I am surprised it didn’t put dwarfs, elves and demons in it as well.

New Moon succeeds in showing an entire gamut of emotions that consists of moans, blank stares, screams and some more moans. After some more moans and snarls, sad chick and vampire lover get back together, in true Bollywood style. And I, finally heave a sigh of relief and say ‘Aal izz well’. The End.

This post merely tries to portray some flitting thoughts on this epic, mind-numbing saga. For the real deal, go here - http://www.the-editing-room.com/twilight-new-moon.html.

Phrases I am fed up of

Life’s a bitch. Whoever came up with this statement must not have been a master at subtlety. And whoever uses this either frequently or sporadically must be one absolutely manic-depressive personality. Why, you may ask. It’s overused and has run its course of kewlness. Well, I get the fact how life’s fucking you over and ditching you at the most important points. But, use a little imagination. Say, life’s now acting like that annoying relative who irritates you at family functions with questions about impending marriage. Get the hint?

Hey, man! Wassup! Nothing’s up, yo! My life is one big fucking roller coaster ride and you’re just one tiny speck on the landscape. Move out, man! You’re blocking the goddamn view.

What the fuck! Boss is yelling at me again for no fault of my own. What the fuck! Whoa, missed that bus by a minute. What the fuck! Cable is coming static. What the fuck! Can’t get through my friend and shower him with thousand profanities. What the fuck! There’s some error in Facebook status updates today. What the fuck. Rahul mahajan’s comedy show has ended. What the fuck! Wait, no. That’s actually a good thing.

Robert Pattinson is so cute! Now that actually demands a ‘wtf’ expression.

I am not being judgmental here. Just pointing out that I can do with lesser dose of them. We are a generation suffering from verbal bankruptcy. If all these and many more oft-repeated words are taken from you, what are you left with? Will you be just gasping like a fish on land or will you dig deep, finally, and unearth something to the pleasant surprise of the people around you?

Thoughts on a few flicks

So, I had this huge movie marathon this weekend. And it was pretty diverse in category, ranging from action flicks, to comedies, to parodies. Rented DVDs from a store, curled up on my bed and subjected myself, first, to the mind numbing, absolutely inane ‘romantic’ movie, Valentines Day! Oh, what an absolute waste of time that was. Not that I was planning to use my time productively, but hell! I could’ve done my favorite thing I love doing all the time – sleeping through the day. Last week, I watched another stupid movie “He’s just not that into you”, Hence I thought, maybe, well, my quota of bullshit movies for this week was at least over. How wrong I was! I mean, it physically hurts to watch Bradley cooper acting gay and Ashton kutcher playing the hopelessly in love, pink tee wearing puppy dog. Add to that, Jennifer garner’s toothy, wide grin perpetually pasted on that face and Jessica Biel’s, again, perpetually constipated expression, it was like one never-ending bombardment of sappy emotions in the history of mankind. That does not mean that Valentine’s day is a horrible movie. It just means that VD (ironic acronym) is just not worth investing money and time in. I mean, what was even Jessica Alba doing there?! The only saving grace was Queen Latifah. That woman, histrionically, is a pleasure to watch, anytime! Anyhow, I redeemed myself with Zombieland, Little miss sunshine, Julie & Julia, Taking of Pelham 123 and The Italian Job. Only, all throughout Julie and Julia I kept thinking that Merryl Streep must have consumed gallons of glucose to keep belching out those giddy squeals of joy/heartbreak/hope/whatever every alternate minute. I mean, after sometime it became plain irritating. Good side – I ended up hungry and consumed one packet of Hide & Seek milano.

Favorite quote from Zombieland – “good thing about zombies. No Facebook status updates”. Epic win.